The Hannah Rose Foundation

Those who regularly work with children can sometimes be caught in a quandary. Of course, any active child is going to occasionally be bruised or injured. Those who abuse will often use this to their advantage by claiming that the injuries they have caused happened in the normal course of activity or play. It is hard to rebut that claim even if your instincts tell you otherwise. It can be helpful to be able to differentiate between different kinds of bruises and injuries. I would like to direct you to comments by Vincent Iannelli, M.D. under the heading “Pediatrics” at about.com. This is very helpful and very well stated.

“Since children typically receive bruises during the course of play or while being active, the leading or bony edges of the body, such as knees, elbows, forearms, or brows, are most likely to be bruised. The soft tissue areas, such as cheeks, buttocks, and thighs, are not normally injured in such circumstances. Additionally, bruises received during the normal course of childhood activity are rarely in distinct shapes, such as a hand, belt buckle, or adult teeth marks. Bruises in soft tissue areas or in distinct shapes are much more indicative of physical abuse.
Unlike bruises, abuse directed to the abdomen or the head, which are two particularly vulnerable spots, often are undetected because many of the injuries are internal. Injuries to the abdomen can cause swelling, tenderness, and vomiting. Injuries to the head may cause swelling in the brain, dizziness, blackouts, retinal detachment, or even death. Referred to more recently as the ‘shaken baby’ syndrome, violent shaking can cause severe damage in children at any age.”

It is exactly these kinds of specifics that you can use to formulate intelligent opinions about what may be happening in the life of a child. While we all want to be watchful for occasions or patterns of child abuse, we definitely do not want to get false accusations started. Even with this particular information, bruises in soft tissue areas are not guarantees of abuse. However, by using professional information we are able more effectively to put together the pieces of the puzzle as we seek to interpret the larger picture.

There is an abuse that attacks a child’s heart and psyche instead of his body. An emotionally abused child can begin to cringe emotionally just as much as a physically abused child cringes physically. It most likely will not be as noticeable. That child may recoil emotionally for months or years before someone recognizes what it happening. The heart and emotions are not healed with medicine and treatment as the body is healed.

Emotional abuse strikes at the very center of a child’s self-image and makes them feel unworthy of anything good. Sometimes a child can reach the point that they don’t even know how to receive something good that may happen to them. They may even shut good out of their lives. It is difficult to understand by anyone who has not been repeatedly struck down emotionally.

What type of activities might make a child respond in this way?

- Rejection –When parents refuse to show an interest in their child, he is going to begin feeling unwanted or unnecessary. They might ignore his very presence, or they might ignore the interests of their child. Every child loves to show his parents things that he has achieved. Perhaps he colored a picture, or built a model, or won an award. He may play on a sports team or play an instrument. When a parent refuses to show interest in these things, the child feels rejected personally. Some parents may even take it further. They may isolate their child from interaction with others. They may even feel that they are helping their child by keeping him from the corruption of outside influences. However, soon that child begins to feel invisible. Without a word being spoken or a hand being raised, this child can be emotionally abused and scarred.
- Impropriety – Some parents do not have the discernment to protect their children from degrading influences of society. They allow them to watch anything on TV. They pay no attention to the video games they may be playing. They think nothing of using vile language in front of their children or allowing others to do the same. They allow all manner of corrupt activities to happen within view of their children. Again, without a mean word spoken directly to the child and without a hand being raised, a child is being scarred in irreparable ways.
- Intimidation – It is hard to comprehend, but sometimes a parent intimidates a child in order to control and manipulate them. The reasons for this may be many, but none of them give a valid excuse. Most often the reason are selfish. Whatever the underlying reason, a parent will use tactics to make a child respond out of fear and uncertainty. The tactics may be psychological as they attempt to manipulate the child with shame and embarrassment. They tactics may hint a physical abuse as a parent uses the threat of violence to compel a child to respond as requested.

Unfortunately, these types of tactics can be used for long periods of time without detection because they leave no bruises. Nevertheless, the child is mentally and emotionally abused and scarred. The recovery from this type of abuse is difficult.

We have discussed on this blog before that it’s not just “bad” people who abuse their children. Sometimes it is a “good” parent who gets caught up in a time of high pressure or a situation that is controlled by emotions. A parent who truly loves his child may do something in a fit that will appall him as he looks on it in retrospect. What can you do to help avoid a situation like that? Well, the age-old adage to count to ten is not a bad place to start, but here are a few more thoughts that may help:

- Wait to respond – Patience is the biggest enemy of anger. Things done in an emotional haste can lead to regrettable actions. Give yourself some time to think about what you are going to do.
- Do something physical – Many times some physical labor will dissipate a lot of angry energy. Take a jog, wash some dishes (but don’t break them!), do a couple loads of laundry, mow the lawn. You will be amazed at the clarity of mind when you are finished. On top of that, you’ll have some of your chores done!
- Get away for just a bit – While this may not always be possible, it can help to separate yourself from your children for a short while. Ask a trusted neighbor to watch the children while you go to the store, send the children outside to play, slip into the family room and watch TV for a few moments, slip into another room and pray for a few moments. You just need to regain some perspective when you are angry.
- Talk with a trusted confidant – Call your own parents, call your pastor, call a trusted friend. Again, the point is just to gain some perspective that will help you override your emotions.
- Get help – In worst-case scenarios, you may need to get serious help from people who are trained to help you with anger management issues. Be honest with yourself. Don’t wait until you have done something that will harm your children either emotionally or physically. There is no shame in having the problem. But ignoring the problem may lead to actions that will cause shame.

There are some many conditions that create a stronger potential for child abuse. Some of these conditions are not avoidable, but they must be controlled. Other conditions are entirely avoidable and must be eliminated. Pressure filled situations and emotions are a couple of examples of unavoidable conditions. These are a part of life and can no more be avoided than being tired or hungry. The use of drugs and alcohol is an example of a situation that is avoidable. Whatever type of abuse you make discover, you will often find that the use of drugs and alcohol is a contributing cause.

Some children are abused before they ever enter the world because their mother is using drugs and alcohol during her pregnancy. If you know a mother in this situation, you must do everything within your power to get her some help. Hundreds of babies are born every year already chemically addicted. These mothers should be strongly encouraged to step away voluntarily from these harmful substances. If she will not or cannot do this, there are steps that can be taken to protect the unborn child. Contact your local Child Protective Services to determine your options.

Other children are abused emotionally and physically because they are in alcohol and drug fueled scenarios. Much abuse is the result of uncontrolled emotions. Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate these uncontrolled emotions. Many times the abuser is not even aware that his emotions are in chemical overdrive. Many harmful things are said and done during these episodes. Later, when the emotions are calmed and the “high” is gone, the abuser is extremely remorseful over what was done while emotionally enraged and chemically muddled. It is a perfect example of taking a bad situation and making it worse.

One of the biggest steps that many people could take to eliminate or greatly reduce abusive situations is to remove these stimulants from their lives. The observation of drug and alcohol abuse can also be another clue to note when someone is suspicious that child abuse is occurring.

As we have discussed in a previous post, there are plenty of online predators looking to abuse children. It is important to take pre-emptive steps to protect your children. This is definitely an area where you want to err on the side of caution. For all of the danger that is lurking out there online, a few simple steps can tremendously reduce the risk. These steps would include:

• Communication – A parent who does not have open lines of communication with his children is at a tremendous disadvantage for stopping any kind of abuse, but especially online abuse. You must share with your children that it can be a dangerous world out there, and that not every person on the Internet has their best interests in mind. They should feel free to share with you any thing that makes them uncomfortable.

• Education – By education I mean to educate your children AND yourself. Learn how to maneuver online safely yourself so that you can teach your children how to do it. Educate yourself regarding the latest fads that can be portals to danger for your children. Educate yourself regarding the safeguards available (or NOT available) on computers to which your children may have access when they are not in your home. Check out the library, the school, and the homes of your children’s friends. Be bold and ask questions. Don’t just assume that things are safe. You might be surprised at how easy it is for safeguards to be breached at places like your local library. Teach yourself about the various gadgets and programs that can save you and your children a world of heartache by protecting your time online. Educate yourself regarding the favorite pursuits of your children online. Also, educate your children on how to avoid ending up at an inappropriate website by mistake. Educate your children regarding all of the good things to do online.

• Accountability – Even if everybody is thoroughly educated about the dangers of the internet, children can still be lured through a variety of avenues. Therefore, it is prudent to set up a system of accountability that goes beyond teaching you have done. Install programs that require passwords and provide regular reports of websites visited. Perhaps one of the strongest measures of accountability is to place the family computer in a centrally located common room. Nothing squashes the inappropriate use of the computer or the seduction of an innocent child like having everybody else in the room. This is especially true if the computer user’s back is to the room and the screen is visible from all around the room. This one step could be the biggest step of protection you could take.

• Inspection – After all these other steps have been implemented, it is still wise to check up on the use of the computer. Read the reports generated by your protection software. Randomly check your children’s email and social networking accounts. Abuse is something that you want to catch early and stop immediately. It is well worth the extra effort you will expend.

While attempting to protect your child from abuse and predators, make sure that you don’t miss a quiet one that may be right in your own house. The exploitation of children on the Internet is a rapidly growing problem. There are more and more exciting and legitimate things for young people to do on the Internet, but there is also a world of danger and sorrow on the Internet. There are many angles to consider regarding the World Wide Web, but for now let me focus on several scenarios in which your child might be snared by online abusers.

• Chat – There are several forms of “chat”, such as chat rooms, instant messaging, video chat, and social connection sites. An abuser may be looking to carry on a long-term seduction through one of these methods. He is often carrying on several of these “relationships” at once, and so he is willing to take the time to let things develop slowly. This may allow the child to gain a comfort level with the abuser in stages. Eventually, the relationship that has been developed will take a sexual turn as the perpetrator begins to take advantage of the trust he has developed with the child.

• Child pornography – Often this will be a next step following a friendly chat scenario. The abuser will seek to persuade a child to perform acts or perhaps to exchange lewd images. For some this will be after a period of gaining trust. For others it will happen as soon as they make contact through the Internet. Either way, there is a huge market for these illicit images. Abusers will always be looking for their next victim to satisfy their evil impulses

• Face-to-face contact – This is, also, a logical next step for many online exploiters. Once they have gained trust and lured the child into lurid interaction, many will begin grooming the child for a live, physical meeting. Of course, this will very likely lead to real physical abuse and molestation. These are often the situations that turn into “worst case scenarios”.

Every one of these situations is tragic and will leave scars for a lifetime. The online abuser is looking to gain personal satisfaction through the entrapment of children. In future posts we will examine ways to reduce the risk for your child while allowing them the benefits of online exploration. Until then, it is wise to at least be familiar with the different avenues that these offenders will use.

Is there an adult friend or loved one that you believe is being abused? It can be a heart-wrenching situation. You can see the hurt and you want to help; yet your hands are tied in so many ways. While you can’t make decisions for others, there are some things you can do to help.

• Make clear your concern and support. They must know that you are aware of what is happening. You should attempt to persuade them not to accept the abusive situation as it is, but you should also reaffirm your love and support. Express your willingness to let them talk with you about the situation whenever they wish. While this fact may seem obvious, the abused person needs to be constantly reminded that there is never a good reason for someone to abuse them. Many victims regularly blame themselves for what is happening and may even feel that they deserve it. You should try to persuade them to deal with the situation without criticizing them for the decisions they make. They will be vulnerable, and you should try to be someone they can approach and feel complete acceptance.
• Invite them to events and activities that are away from their regular circle of influence. Many times abuse victims get caught up in a world that is separated from reality. This does not foster an atmosphere where the victim is likely to deal with the abusive situation. The more contact they can have with others, the more they are likely to realize their worth as an individual.
• Help your friend or loved one prepare a plan for the worst case scenario. This plan can include preparation for leaving when threatened, a destination if they choose to leave, and contacts for emergency situations. Even when things are bad, a plan for when things get worse can provide some confidence for a person in an abusive situation.

Whether intended or not, injury cause by physical aggression is considered to be physical child abuse. The symptoms may be seen in bruises, cuts, burns, swelling, bite marks, and welts. Non-physical symptoms may also include a fear of going home or a general fear of adults that goes beyond mere shyness.

These symptoms may be cause by a number of abuse factors. These can include:
• Striking a child with the hand such as slapping, hitting, beating, or punching
• Responding to a child in an aggressive manner such as shaking a child, shoving a child, kicking a child, or throwing objects at a child
• Committing acts against a child that are clearly intended to inflict pain such as pulling a child’s hair, pinching a child, choking a child, biting a child, or squeezing a child (on the arm, ear, etc.)
• Punishing a child with extreme heat such as an iron, scalding water, cigarettes, etc.
• Purposefully causing illness in a child or withholding medication to a child that is ill
• The use of harmful substances during a pregnancy
While it is true that physical punishment can easily become abuse, it is important to differentiate between abuse and punishment. Of course, physical punishment by definition involves a controlled infliction of bodily pain, but it is for the purpose of correcting behavior. It is important that this never be done in anger. It must always be administered in a purposeful and controlled manner. It must not cause bodily injury.
The abuses listed above are often done in anger and the end result is injury. This is when it becomes physical abuse. The damage is both physical and emotional. These behaviors should be identified and reported.

While not wanting to downplay the physical aspects of child abuse, it is important to note that the emotional effects of abuse can last longer and reach farther in many cases. A child’s view of their own worth can be severely diminished even through adulthood. The ability to build long-lasting, meaningful relationships can be gravely hampered. The capacity to be a productive student or employee may be sharply compromised. Why does abuse seem to bring about these symptoms? How does a time period of abuse as a child manage to reach so deeply into every aspect of an individual’s life?

Damaged Emotions – Both the physical and emotional aspects of an abuse ordeal stifle the normal flow of emotions. A child is told to be quiet as pain is inflicted, and this smothers the natural reaction to pain. A child becomes emotionally confused when someone they love commits acts against them that bring shame. The conflicting emotions again curb the ability to demonstrate emotions in a normal way. In time, the desire and ability to express emotions can become completely bottled up. In many cases, these suppressed emotions will start exhibiting themselves in unnatural and troublesome ways.

Damaged Trust – At the core of any healthy relationship is trust. This is true with your spouse, your children, your boss, your friends, and your pastor. When the foundation of trust is destroyed in a child, the reverberations of this will be felt for the rest of his life. When the person closest to you is untrustworthy, it is extremely difficult to know who IS trustworthy. When the person that a child is with the most cannot be counted on to look out for his best interests, he will quickly be conditioned to believe that there is no one out there who will look out for his best interests. Soon a child will automatically and instinctively believe that there is no one he can trust. This keeps him at a distance from everyone in his web of relationships. His development and advancement is limited because he will hold himself back, even from those who would help him forward.

There is nothing quite so loathsome as a person who will sexually assault or molest an innocent child. There should be no hesitation to report a person when you have a legitimate reason to believe that someone is engaged in this type of behavior. However, many may overlook the fact that sexual abuse may occur even without physical contact. This is also loathsome and is likely a stepping-stone to physical molestation in most cases. What constitutes sexual abuse if no physical contact is made?

Exposure to sexual situations – A child may be exposed to a scenario in which they are not involved personally, but their innocence is still being stolen. Either allowing or forcing a child to observe sexual acts is abusive. Children should not even be subjected to simulations of sexual acts.

Exposure to sexual material – A person would be guilty of sexual abuse even if they only showed sexually explicit material to a child. Even without bodily contact, a perpetrator would be guilty if they forced or allowed a child to see pornographic magazines or movies.

It does not matter if the child’s involvement in these situations is consensual. Of course, the responsibility is on the adult. Sexual abuse can happen without any contact. If you see or suspect such behavior, you do not have to wait until physical contact occurs to report the adult. Make the report before it gets that far. Make the report immediately.